HOW IT FEELS TO BE CHEMICALLY DEPENDENT
Life is full of surprises. One of the surprises that at first seems like a sick joke and can later (because of the help and love available) be considered a blessing is when one discovers oneself to be chemically dependent.
Chemical dependence is a puzzling, baffling issue. It is important to understand that it is a disease issue, not a moral issue. And while it may be a critical issue for those who become addicted (and those around them), it is not a hopeless issue. The hope lies in acceptance and courage, in surrender and gratitude, and most of all in the ordinary people who are willing to share their stories with others who need to hear them.
Chemical dependent people tend to be very special and sensitive people—basically shy, basically passive, basically modest, and under it all basically good. They sometimes perceive the sensitivity that is part of their nature as a weakness, and out of shame about this weakness they will use chemicals that seem to magically relieve the pain for a while. When the cover the chemicals provide betrays them, which it always does, this creates a desperate and anxious situation. They change from being sensitive and kind to behaving in ways that are crude, boisterous, haughty, course, insolent, angry, and even abusive.
Living takes a tremendous amount of talent and energy. It is this talent and energy that I want you to know about, and to see in yourself.
Most chemically dependent people hold jobs, go to school, drive cars, keep up homes, and make decisions—all under the most incredible pressure to appear “normal.” Did you know, for example, that 95 percent of all alcoholics live at home and go to work every day? Did you know that most chemically dependent people don’t have to use every day or even every week? Did you know that most chemically dependent people have stopped using, often several times, to prove to themselves and others that they do not have a problem? Did you know that it takes twice as much energy to deny the disease as it does to deal with it?
Chemical dependent people are human beings, first and foremost. It is our ability to feel that separates us from the animals. It is our ability to feel that often starts the chemical use in the first place. And it is our ability to feel that keeps it going.
Chemical dependent people may be able to deny how much they are using, but they cannot deny the bad feelings that accompany them everywhere. The survivors of this disease are those who admit to these feelings and learn how to deal with them constructively. That is where their talent and energy come into play.
Long before chemical dependence is a physical disease with physical cravings, it’s an emotional and psychological disease. You may choose when and where and what to use, but once you have started using there comes a point at which you can no longer choose whether to continue. The choice belongs to the disease, and the disease will always choose its own survival over yours.
Author Unknown